Cleansing

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“The mind has been accumulating thoughts and desires for ages—through the different bodies in which you have taken birth. All these emotions are buried deep within. What you see or experience on the surface of the mind is only a small portion of the hidden layers dormant within. When you try to make the mind still through meditation, these thoughts will slowly come to the surface. It is like trying to clean a floor that has been lying unwashed for a long time. Now, when we begin the process, the more we wash, the more dirt comes to the surface because the floor has been collecting dirt for years.
Likewise the mind—previously, we never paid any attention to the various thoughts that streamed through our mind. Like the dirty floor, the mind has been gathering thoughts, desires and emotions for a very long time. We are only aware of the superficial ones. However, beneath the surface, there are countless layers of thoughts and emotions. Just as more dirt comes to the surface in the process of cleaning the floor, the more thoughts become evident as our meditation gets deeper. Keep cleaning and they will disappear.
In fact, it is good if they show up. Because once you see them and recognize them, it is easier to remove them. Don’t lose patience. Be persistent and keep performing your spiritual practices. In due course, you will gain the strength to surpass them.” –Amma (Mata Amritanandamayi)

This quote truly resonates with me. I am in a time of transitioning and self discovery- constantly cleansing and growing. Finding the strength and courage to continue on my journey is getting easier to access because I am able to connect more with myself as a result of “cleaning the dirt.” This process isn’t always pretty but it is so rewarding! I am so blessed to be doing what I am doing at my age. I can’t wait for the day when we all are fully connected and recognize each other for the beautiful beings we are. The World will be absolutely peaceful and amazing.

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True Essence

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I felt my true essence- my authentic self- I was able to reach the God Consciousness within. I was so peaceful and connected to Spirit. I could feel myself standing in the tunnel of light and energy fully aware, fully conscious and fully connected. I was able to do this because I felt safe with the people around me and I surrendered to my emotions. Last night there were some people at meditation that I wasn’t familiar with and I couldn’t trust that I was going to be protected so I was struggling to connect with myself. I tried to surrender- I was able to for awhile- but it didn’t last. At least I was aware of what was going on in my body and with my energy. This awareness will allow me to work on fully coming into my body when I am in front of a group of people so that I can connect with my true essence and the true essence of others.

The mind tries to understand what is happening but it has no frame of reference for the experiences. Everything that I have experienced in the past 3-4 months has been mind boggling. I NEVER would have thought that I would be where I am now. My belief systems have been shattered along with my perceptions of people and situations- past, present and future. But I am still here- the world didn’t end. When I started to become more aware it became more beautiful because I was able to SEE that there is so much more to life than material things and ideas. I am growing and accepting the person that I truly am. Noticing my wounds are very difficult but the joy and freedom that I feel after healing these wounds is unreal. All I know is that I am so happy and excited for the beauty that is going to unfold for the planet and everyone on it. A time of peace and happiness is coming- we just have to remember that we are connected- We are all One.

We are all one

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“The life force that pulsates in the trees, plants, and animals is the same life force that pulsates within us. The same life energy that gives us the power to speak and to sing, is the power behind the song of the bird and the roar of the lion. The same consciousness that flows in and through every human being, lends its power to the movement of the wind, to the flow of the river, and to the light of the sun. How can there be any sense of difference once this subtle principle is understood?”

Amma (Mata Amritanandamayi)

Reflection

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Howl at the Moon.”

So many things have been happening recently and it has been overwhelming. My mind and body is shifting into a new way of being. I am constantly thinking Why me? Why have I been chosen to do this work? Why is it so hard to accept myself and God?

I know in my heart that I am on the right path. The 3D world that we live in doesn’t compare to the God Consciousness within us. I FELT it! I had an amazing experience on Saturday when I was meditating. I could see the healing that I was doing for myself and others within my family. It was beautiful. I could FEEL the presence of Angels and the Divine. The energy was so intense but I just wanted to be in that state and never leave. The connection I felt to myself, others and the Divine was SO pure and full of love that these words cannot even give the experience justice. I chose this path before I was born into this body- every experience I have had leading up to this point was preparing me for the magnificent amounts of healing that is to be done. Once I heal my own wounds I can then be there to support others when they are healing their wounds. It is hard to accept this. The beliefs that I have upheld throughout my entire life are being challenged and smashed into pieces. How I thought things were are not at all what they really are. My so-called reality is shifting. I no longer look at things, people or myself in the same way. My perception has changed and it is scary but beautiful at the same time. I am in a state of opening up to new beliefs and letting my old ones fall away- not without struggling to hold onto them. As I continue with self reflection I will be able to let go and embrace my inner self.

Self reflection is a hard thing to do. It is difficult having to look at the harmful and negative things that you’ve done to yourself and others as a result of wounding. Once this awareness comes to light then it is easier to recognize the next time is arises- and the next time and the next time- until it is fully healed. By meditating and being self reflective I can heal my wounds and embrace God which will make it possible to accept true authentic self. I know I am on the fast track because my world has been turned upside down and inside out. The energy of the planet is going to be turned WAY up soon- get ready to embrace the change!

Passion

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I was denying my true passions because I couldn’t accept who I really am- my true self. I always believed that I didn’t like writing, reading or anything about computers. I used to have such hatred for what I now feel passionate about. It is a strange feeling but I know I did it because I never felt like I could be who I really am. It feels amazing to have this awareness and now I can heal. Even though as soon as I heal one wound another comes into awareness, I know one day I will be fully connected to the God Consciousness within and it will all be worth it. Meditation has changed my life.

Since I have been attending meditation the facilitator, Michael Morrelli, has mentioned wanting to send out a monthly email and also the desire to get more involvement within the groups. I suggested creating a monthly email newsletter that would have changing subject matter relevant to what was going on within the groups- it would also include important dates for upcoming meet ups and testimonials from attendees. He loved the idea and I started designing. I noticed how much I enjoyed what I was doing and it came as a shock to me. Never would I have imagined that I would be this passionate about designing, writing and emailing this newsletter- or any sort of computerized file. I haven’t written a post in a few days because I have been engrossed in learning about JavaScript! WHAT?! It feels so right- I feel so happy! I am glad that I was given the opportunity to discover what I am passionate about.

Writing has given me a platform to learn more about myself. Each time I write a sentence it allows me to go deeper into my thoughts and into myself. I keep searching for the words but I don’t need to- they pour out of my heart. Words have power. They can be used to bring people together or they can tear people apart. As people continue to raise their vibrations and seek awakening, words will no longer be used to tear others down. Instead of media reporting on violence and heartache their will only be words to represent peace and unity. Words are beautiful tools to connect with others but more importantly yourself. Certain strands of words can provoke an emotional response- whether it is happiness, anger, sorrow or serenity- this is so beautiful and amazing to me. I can only hope that my words will provoke others to look within and discover their true selves. We are all one.

Acceptance

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This feeling is amazing. I have finally been able to accept love from my mother. Yesterday I was feeling very spacey and very grumpy at the same time. I woke up at 4am and couldn’t sleep so I read some blog posts. I read one post in particular that reminded me of my past situation. I wanted love from my parent’s so I could be happy. I tried to be perfect to get this love but I still wasn’t worthy- or at least it felt this way.  Then I met my boyfriend and I thought Whoa! THIS is what happiness isHe is all I need to be happy forever. I started thinking about our future together and how perfect we were. I was living in a fantasy that I created. Only recently did I come to realization that SHIT- we aren’t perfect. I am not completely happy with my life. I am not accepting my feelings and true self. I love him but we have a lot of things to work on. I have a lot of things to work on. Acceptance of my past, the situations and the people is the first step. I have been angry at my parents for not feeling loved instead of accepting that the loved me the only way they knew how- but they did love me. I started to cry at this knowledge but stopped myself from going any deeper. I fell back asleep and a few hours later and started my day.

My mom called me in the afternoon but I couldn’t tell her what I have come to accept. I wanted to wait until meditation. When I walked into the meditation room I instantly was feeling the energy- especially when I sat next to my mom. I was trying so hard to hold in my feelings because I am still trying to get used to accepting my feelings. The facilitator, Michael, looked at me and I thought Damn, I guess I can’t ignore this any longer. So I spoke about what has been happening with me recently and my early morning epiphany. When I turned and told my mom how much I love her and accept her love a wave of energy was flowing through my body. I spoke about how I am a direct reflection of my mom because I had to be in order to survive in the house. I was able to speak my truth. I was able to truly thank my mom for bringing me to my first meditation group. If I had never seen her progress through meditation I wouldn’t be on this path with her. I am so happy to be able to heal. I am so happy to heal others in the process. By speaking about my recent experiences and feelings, it caused reactions throughout the group. My speaking, and the healing that my mom and I have done, helped a young woman heal some of her own mother issues. My mom acted as her surrogate mom for the healing. It was beautiful to see. The young woman reminded me of my sister and I can only imagine the healing we could bring to the world as a result of healing within our family. I am so happy to one day help the world heal.

Acceptance is hard but without acceptance we cannot step forward on our paths. Without acceptance we cannot be the compassionate beings we are meant to be. Without acceptance we cannot be our true selves- our light beings within. Acceptance starts within ourselves. If we cannot accept our true selves how can we expect to accept anyone else?

Surrender

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I was going to write this entry yesterday but I couldn’t find the words. I knew that I was going to meditation at night so maybe the experience I had would give me the inspiration. OH it did…

I am constantly having an internal tug-o-war with myself. What should I eat? What should I wear? What should I do today? Should I go back to school or should I travel? The indecision is endless. I struggle with feeling the emotions that I am feeling. This happened at meditation last night.

I couldn’t surrender to my emotions. I didn’t want to go into the darkness because I didn’t know what would come up. I was afraid. I kept thinking that I shouldn’t be feeling this way- why can’t I just surrender?

While in high school, when I was battling anxiety and depression, I participated in an out patient program at URI that taught coping techniques for anxiety. There I learned how to pretty much ignore what I was feeling and how to think about something else instead. At the time this program was what I needed but it taught me that what I am feeling inside shouldn’t be analyzed to find out WHY I have these feelings but they should be brushed to the side because they are “just a result of your mental illness”. In reality every feeling, no matter how crummy or beautiful, should be FELT and brought to awareness. Without self awareness the darkness inside will never be filled with light. I would have continued to suffer in silence always thinking that I was crazy and that I shouldn’t have certain feelings. Now I am trying to accept myself AND my feelings. All feelings are valid. Once I surrender to the experience I can embrace my feelings and discover more about myself. This of course is easier said then done.

Yesterday during my shift at work a very angry man and his two sons came in looking to send a fax. I showed them the machine and went to leave when the angry man yelled at me to send the fax for him. He scared me because his anger was so strong and he didn’t speak much English so I didn’t want to misunderstand him. I went to help him when he shoved a cell phone into my hand and told me to talk to this person on the other end. So I did. I wrote down the needed information and the guy on the phone asked me how I knew the angry man and I said that I just work at Staples and I was trying to help him fax. This whole situation was weird. I gave the angry man back the phone unaware that the person on the other end had hung up. The angry man whipped around and starting yelling “WHAT DID HE SAY?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!” I was freaking out inside. I was so scared but I couldn’t stop just going along with whatever this angry guy wanted! When it was time to send the fax I noticed that a line had formed at the cash register so I saw my chance to escape. I left and called a manager to help him finish faxing. After I cashed out some guests angry man and sons came over to pay for the faxing. I told him the price and he was intensely asking why that price was so high. I used the “price is corporate policy” line and hoped he would accept this, pay and then leave. I just wanted him out of my space so I could feel safe. Thankfully the line worked and he left. I could breathe again but I could feel myself being very hyper-vigilant. I had forgotten this incident by the time my shift was over and didn’t think anymore of it until mediation.

I struggled all through meditation and didn’t allow myself to surrender because I didn’t want to feel what emotions were coming up. I was afraid. Again. I was on a cliff being pushed closer and closer to the edge. I couldn’t trust that if I fell off the cliff deeper into myself that Jesus would be there to guide me. So, I hung on for dear life.

Once meditation ended a small group stayed and talked with Michael Morelli, the facilitator, about various different things. One woman came to the realization that she never spoke up for herself because she was afraid of being knocked down. Then my mom and Michael were talking about there experience at a Homa ceremony in Georgia with Mother Karunamayi. He was treated differently because he was a white male whereas almost all of the attendees were from India. India was only freed from British hands not too long ago so there was tension. My mom on the other hand was accepted. (Mother Karunamayi talks a lot about accepting and treating woman with respect.) Not always though in India are woman treated with respect. These statements reminded me of the incident earlier with the angry man so I shared my experience. As I did I started to cry. I had surrendered to my emotions, fell off of the cliff and into my core wound. I was angry at myself because I didn’t stand up for myself. I just did whatever he wanted because I was afraid. I was trying to figure out what he needed and I couldn’t help him- I couldn’t fix it. I just wanted him to leave because I didn’t feel safe. Once this realization was spoken it was able to come to my awareness.

I surrendered and allowed some light into the darkness. I am taken care of.  We are all taken care of. We are all blessed.

Connecting

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Making connections with others has been difficult for me. I have never felt like I was apart of this world. I was an observer of people and situations- never taking the steps to make contact. Stuck within my mind- I was engulfed with anxiety, depression and fear- I couldn’t emerge. I was ready to leave this world. Something within me choked out the words, “I want to kill myself. I don’t belong here.” I was able to finally let myself release emotionally. Since that day, seven years ago, I have been afraid to fall back into that mind frame.

I consciously worked through my emotional turmoil. Going through programs, multiple therapists and more kinds of medicines than I can remember I persevered. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I didn’t go through this experience. Everything situation that happens is perfect for the person going through it. I have only come upon this realization since I began meditating and connecting with myself. By connecting with myself and learning more about what is within me I have been able to make more connections with others. Once the fear, doubt and resistance came into my awareness I could make an effort to heal. I am still in the process of healing but through the challenges I am rewarded with bliss.

I always wanted to feel connected. I always wanted to be apart of something bigger than myself. I always wanted to feel unconditional love.

Self exploration has allowed me to connect with myself and others. I AM apart of something bigger than myself because I can see that we are all one. I FEEL loved unconditionally. Life is beautiful and perfect.

We are all connected. We are all one. We are never alone.

Expression

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How do I put into words what I am experiencing? I know what I am feeling but I can’t find the right words to express them. By writing and speaking with others I hope to finally find the right words.

I can see such beauty and perfection in places where I could only see negativity. Instead of leaping to judgment of others I try to find compassion. I can only achieve compassion for others if I first look within myself and heal past wounding. The healing process can be intense and difficult because it reveals parts of yourself that you don’t want to recognize. I recently have discovered that I have a harsh temper, a difficult time accepting help and am basically my mother. My mom and I had a hard time interacting with each other and I found her to be so irritating! But now I realize what I disliked in her was what I disliked about myself. This was a tough thing to become aware of. More often then not when we are angered or bothered by someone we are seeing in them what we don’t like in ourselves. As a result of this new found awareness I notice when I am doing something to bother her and when she is bothering me. We then can express our feelings without overreacting and over time we will stop triggering each other.

Learning to express my true feelings and thoughts without self doubt or judgement is what I hope to one day achieve. Self expression will lead me to further awareness of my true self which will then allow me to access the God Consciousness within.

Why am I here?

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I usually keep to myself- never saying too much or making any waves. I try to figure out what people are thinking and feeling instead of looking into myself for the answers. Recently I started meditating in order to find my voice within. It’s time for me to speak my truth. It’s time for ME to find my voice. IT’S TIME FOR ME to BE ME.

This blog is a way for me to express all of my emotions instead of shoving them to the side. I have been going through a lot of transitions lately trying to heal past emotional wounds and build my confidence. Keeping my thoughts in a private journal no longer seems appropriate. By making my thoughts, feelings and experiences public I hope to gain more confidence in myself and what I have to say.

Going to meditation groups has become a weekly occurrence but I hope to start a daily practice. These groups facilitated by an amazing person by the name of Michael Morelli have opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at the world and myself. The tools needed to reach Enlightenment, Awakening or access to God Consciousness are built inside all of us. EVERYONE in this lifetime can become Enlightened.

I want to share my experiences with others instead of keeping to myself- afraid of being misunderstood. With this blog I hope that in sharing my struggles and triumphs on my journey to self discovery that I can help others on the same path. I am ready to put myself out there. It’s time for me to embrace the blessings around me and step into who I am going to become.

My journey is about finding myself, loving who I am and sharing this love with the world.